Surrendering...

I asked a friend a few days ago if he had had any addictions in his past. He said he had not. He then asked me if I had had any addictions in my past. I immediately replied that I had not. (After all I have never smoked, tried drugs, or even had a sip of alcohol for that matter except for in communion in China.) I lied. I did not know at the time that I was lying but the truth is I did (and still do) have some addictions.

I have been addicted to caffeine at several points in my life. I realized just recently that since coming back to the states I had increased my caffeine consumption significantly. This is not a good thing. In China I would drink a couple of cans of Pepsi Max or Coke Zero everyday. I justified this by saying that I did not drink coffee or tea so drinking a can or two a day is not all that bad. Well, here in the states I had been drinking a lot more than a can or two a day.

A week ago I decided to quit. I have not had any caffeine in that time. The first three days were miserable. My body craved caffeine. It “needed” caffeine. The other day when something happened that shook me, I immediately thought that I needed caffeine. The thing is...I did not “need” it. I did not cave into my desire and I am happy about that.

Some of you may be saying there is nothing wrong with caffeine. Whether or not caffeine is OK is not my point really -- addiction is. Addiction is a dangerous thing because it controls us, it is very hard to control it. I was holding tightly to caffeine. I was allowing it to have control that only He should have. Why was it that my first thought when I was shaken wasn’t, “I need to spend time seeking Him right now?” I am sad to say that I have allowed some things in my life that have taken the place that only He should have.

Today I have been pondering what it means to have a surrendered life. I read Philippians 3:7-8 this morning. It says..

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of [JC]. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing [JC], for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain [JC].”

I read through that verse and I felt convicted. You see, I have been holding tightly to some things recently (and I am not just talking about caffeine). I have not wanted to surrender them. If truth be told I have even been a little angry with Him about some of these desires because I feel like He has been holding back from me. For a fleeting moment I even wondered if He loved me because he did not give me what I thought my heart desired. I did not consider these things as rubbish so that I may gain Him. I was deeply convicted this morning. Knowing Him is worth giving up some of the things I think that I crave or need. He is worth it!

In John Piper’s book “Don’t Waste Your Life” (which I began reading this morning and it shook me up some and really convicted me) he writes, “We were made to see and savor [Him] -- and savoring him, to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence.” I long to savor him. I long to be satisfied in Him. I long to run to Him first if I am shaken. If there is an addiction in my life, I hope it would be that I need only Him to satisfy.